the fear - ana

[ana czarnowska]

Ana nodded in one of those 'ohh' moments when Josh explained why he had moved to Wardenstown. "We had to do that too when I was younger; we ended up moving from Krasynystaw to Warsaw." That had probably been her favourite move from her childhood, Warsaw was so different to Krasnystaw that it was like moving to a whole new world of fun. She wondered how different Ballymena was to Wardenstown for Josh, and was going to suggest that he show her Ballymena sometime but thought that may be a tad forward. And the conversation appeared to be hitting too serious of a note as the subject of boys other parents carried on that it didn't seem appropriate to say. Ana worried that a nerve had been hit with her question about Rodney's mother given Josh's reaction; he seemed to take a stoic turn as he flatly said she was no longer in the boys life. Part of her was curious as to why, but pushing the topic probably wasn't the best thing she could have done. "I haven't seen his father since I was fifteen years old, and he's never even met Kaspar." She sighed as she looked over at her son who had stopped giving Rodney blocks and was instead hopelessly trying to build a bridge. "Andreu was a Belgian, and his parents made him leave Poland when I told him I was pregnant," Ana explained, though she was still looking at her son and said it so quietly that it was more like she was muttering to herself.

"You went to a Polish family party? Were you not lost sitting listening to another language?" That would have been hell for Ana. She didn't like not understanding what was being said. Once she had sat in Andreu's kitchen as he spoke to his mother in French and felt ridiculously awkward. "I'm going to teach you some Polish one day," she decided. Josh didn't really have a choice in the matter, since he had recognised the accent he automatically had to know some of it in Ana's head. And even though they would probably see each other again at the mother and toddler group it would give her a for sure reason to hang out with him again for a lengthy period. Ana looked over at their sons when Josh noted they would probably kill their kids with fear and had to let out a small laugh as she saw Rodney feel Kaspar's head and then his own. She was surprised Kaspar was letting the other boy touch his hair; for a four year old boy, Kaspar was very precious about his hair. They had obviously hit it off as well as she had with Josh. "Yeah, I guess we can't really justify killing the boys in favour of an awesome balloon. We'll have to find something equally awesome, but not scary. Like a... Papier mache banana..." Ana really had to mentally slap herself at that one. 'A papier mache banana? What?'

Ana had to resist the urge to grin like a total weirdo. Even though he only said 'ditto', Josh had made her feel rather happy that he was glad she was there as well and she wasn't just acting like a big creepy school girl. He blushed again and she smiled, something about how often his cheeks would flush was very endearing to Ana. It was probably embarassing to him, but it was one of the cutest things she'd ever seen. She shrugged when he suggested she try asking around the courts for a translator job. "I could, but I don't know if I could afford it. I'd have to pay for Kaspar to have daycare all day and the transport costs and money's hard enough sometimes. I'm probably just making excuses not to though..." Ana trailed off at the thought. Kaspar's first couple of years of life were weird enough when he was babysitted by classmates from her language school, so she had vowed to make the rest of his childhood in Northern Ireland as normal as possible and not have him pushed onto other people so she could work. She came out of her thoughts again and smiled at Josh. "So what's your dream job?" Ana asked as she took another bite of the Jammie Dodger she had forgotten about.

word count 723
outfits ana & kaspar

[josh philips]

Josh mentally punched himself in the face for mentioning that he moved for his father’s sake. It had reminded Ana of her own childhood. Not her adulthood. Her childhood. How immature did that make him look? He was furious with himself. He nodded understandingly when she mentioned an obscure he’d never heard of town and then the capital of Poland and he decided not to ask any questions about what her father did for a living. He watched as the distant look washed across her face as she described Kaspar’s father and Josh felt his stomach wind itself into knots. She was a single parent too, her tale was almost as tragic as his. He couldn’t help but feel extreme pathos for Andreu who had never known his own son, “Is he still in touch?” Josh asked before he could stop himself, surely this guy was sending her some sort of finance in order to keep her afloat?

She seemed incredulous that he had attended a party where the primary language was one he did not understand, Josh smiled and realised one of the differences between them. “I’m happy to observe the body language and watch their facial expressions and listen to the tone and guess what they’re saying.” He told her with a slight nod towards his son who was waving again, he waved back and smirked at his attention-seeking son who pointed, very obviously at Kaspar and then grinned. Rodney didn’t have many friends his own age. She promised to teach him Polish some day and he felt his stomach tighten, “I’ll warn you, I’m a terrible student.” He laughed slightly, and scratched his cheek. It was true though, he had never had an ear for languages, he could not replicate words that he heard in a different language to save his life. Everything came out in a Ballymena accent and embarrassed him. He laughed at the concept of a paper mache banana and nodded, “Perhaps. Or we could just go for a classic cereal box robot?” He suggested, he was prone to taking the easy way out when it came to crafts. Plus, Rodney would go mad if he got paper mache on his hands.

Ana considered his suggestion for a short moment or two but Andy knew that she was only indulging him – obvious she would have thought of this sort of thing already. He smiled slightly and nodded, “I know what you mean.” He told her empathetically, “Your kid has to come first.” He shrugged slightly and looked over at Rodney who kept wiping his nose on the sleeve of his jumper. Josh barely suppressed a sigh – that jumper had only been washed the previous night and now it was snotty and covered in paint. Oh the joy of toddlers. He looked at her when she asked what his dream job was. He laughed awkwardly and shrugged, “I’d never thought about it and then I was a father.” He told her and scratched the back of his head, “I didn’t have time to dream.” He coughed slightly and wished he hadn’t said that. Then Rodney came running over to him, not stopping properly before he reached Josh and crashing into his legs. Josh instinctively leant forward and caught his son’s arms. “Woah, kiddo!” He exclaimed. “Juice!” Demanded Rodney, a toothy grin playing on his face. “Juice, what?” Josh demanded, frowning at his son for a few seconds. “Pwease!” Rodney attempted to roll his eyes and Josh fought extremely hard to suppress a smile. He handed Rodney a Capri Sun and the little boy ran away again.

601

[ana czarnowska]

Ana let out an extremely unattractive, sarcy snort of a laugh when Josh asked her is Andreu was still in touch with her. The cool spring day when she had told him she was three months pregnant had been the last time she had even spoken to him. There were no emails, no letters. Even his parents hadn’t contacted Ana or her parents to find out about the baby. When they moved back to Belgium they had just cut her out of their lives. ”No. I haven’t spoken to Andreu since the day I told him I was pregnant. Actually, five years ago this month.” That probably made her sound like a creep who couldn’t forget about her past and was still counting the days. Sometimes she did. And sometimes she contemplated getting in contact with him so she could send a picture and at least let him know what their son looked like. ”It’s better he’s not in the picture; I wouldn’t want Kaspar to get confused or upset wondering why his papcio wasn’t around all the time, or in the same country.”

"Really?" Ana asked in disbelief. She wouldn't have thought anyone could enjoy spending a whole party guessing what was going on. She had tried to do that once with a film; it was a German book she had read and bought the film of, but the film only had subtitles in German. Two hours she had spent guessing what was happening based on the knowledge she had of the book. It had very nearly ruined 'Krabat' for her. "I couldn't do that. I'd get annoyed way too easily. You're a King for doing it happily," she laughed. She had a strange paranoia for a second that she had a terribly hard to understand accent and he was just guessing what she was on about, but he was too nice of a guy to be that much of a dick to her. She presumed. "We'll work perfectly; I'm not that good of a teacher. But I'm sure if I can learn Russian you can learn Polish." It occurred to Ana that Kaspar could unintentionally start to confuse Rodney by speaking Polish. Her son spoke a mixture of the two sometimes, and his new friend would probably stare at him as if he had two heads. Ana nodded and laughed when he suggests a cereal box robot. "The best method. It'd probably get boring halfway through making the banana. And little boys are meant to like robots more than fruit, right? Josh, my dear, you are a genuis."

"Exactly. I might start looking around for a better job when Kaspar starts school." That put an idea in her head; she wondered if Kaspar and Rodney would be in the same class, or the same school. It would be nice if they could go in having already made friends. "There's a thought; do you know what primary school you're sending Rodney to?" She had hoped he had been to look at some already so he could give her some recommendations; Ana didn't know the reputation of any of the schools or even where to start in looking for a place of education for her son. She presumed it was the type of things parents were meant to advise first time parents on, and since her father and step-mother were in Warsaw they weren't going to be much help. She was intrigued when he said he had become a father before he had time to think of a dream career. She wasn't sure how old Josh was, so all she could do was assume he was young when he became a parent. "How old were you when Rodney was born?" She decided to ask, she could kill two birds with one stone and find out how old he was roughly now this way. Ana sat quietly and smiled as she watched Josh interact with his son and make him ask please. When the child ran away again with his juice she looked at Josh again. "You're really good with him," she said, though it seemed quite redundant just saying that, like more of a thought said aloud that an actually addition to their conversation.

word count 702
outfits ana & kaspar

[josh philips]

Josh couldn’t suppress his surprise when he heard her snort with laughter at the concept that Andreu, the mysterious father of Kaspar, was still in the picture. He listened quietly to the information she delved out and rubbed his chin as he thought of a way to respond. “Yeah, best not to confuse the little guy.” He replied, with a short nod. He tried not draw parallels between his situation and Ana’s – they had both cut one of their children’s parents out of their lives. He wanted to tell her about Rebecca; about what she had tried to do and how much it had hurt him. But Josh never talked about it. Ever. How could he start now? How could he break the silence of almost four years by telling a practical stranger? He couldn’t.

Ana continued to be baffled by Josh’s contentedness to not understand what was going on around him completely. “It saved me from a lot of small talk.” He added. This had always been something he loved about Viktor’s family parties – he didn’t have to talk about himself or explain his situation. They never passed judgement on the fact that he was a teen dad because they never asked the questions that extracted that sort of information. “Someday you’ll teach me.” He finally agreed with a small smile on his face. He was terrified on looking stupid in front of her, so he probably would never bring it up again. “Rodney loves robots.” He said with a short laugh, “And guns made out of newspaper.” He added as an afterthought and then laughed at his own running child.

Listening to Ana talk about primary school made Josh feel nervous. He was so scared about Rodney going to primary school – about leaving his tiny child at a gate clad in the same clothes that every other little boy in the whole place was wearing and looking afraid and excited at once. “Emm, my friend from work has a boy at Crescent Primary and he loves it, so probably there. It’s a five minute walk from my house.” Josh said a little too quickly in his thick accent, he wondered if Ana could hear what he was saying properly sometimes. He scratched the side of his face and looked at his perfect little son as he interacted with Kaspar. “How old were you when Rodney was born?” She asked him, “Sixteen and a half.” He said with a half-smile and then arched an eyebrow, “What about you?” He asked with a small smile. He grinned like an idiot when she said he was good with his son. He always hoped that he seemed that way.


447

[ana czarnowska]

When Josh appeared surprised that Ana was so amused about the idea of Andreu still having a place in their lives, Ana wondered if maybe she had been a little heartless at finding the idea amusing. Despite the bad influence he had over her, Andreu had been quite a good boyfriend up until he left, and really that was down to his parents. She didn't really want her mind to dwell on it anymore, not while she was in company and in public anyway. Instead she opted to give a smile and think on the brightside, "We don't need him anyway. Kaspar's fine without a daddy, even if he does act... Effeminate, sometimes." That had been an irrationaly worry of Ana's for a while; although she didn't care if her son grew up to like men, women or just be the bachelor son with a cat and fondness for French cuisine, but she was worried sometimes that having only a female influence would push him towards that when he didn't want to. She worried about the oddest things when it came to Kaspar.

"When you think about it that way, body language is a pretty good method of social interaction at a party." There was nothing as awkward as small talk, especially if it was with older people. They always tended to be patronising and offer what they thought was good advise about what was to be done career-wise. Ana had had her own share of that with her family, and that was bad enough. She gave a small clap and grinned happily when he finally agreed to her plan to teach him Polish. "Yay! We'll have you singing along to 'East Side Story' before you know it!" Even though people thought she was confusing it with 'West Side Story', Ana always loved to mention 'East Side Story'. It was by far her favourite musical even if it was a little awkward with the whole socialism thing. "Guns made of newspaper?" Ana tried to figure that out; did he just roll it up and then bend it in half so it was at a corner angle? "How do you make a gun from a newspaper?"

Ana didn't want to come straight out with 'Oh, I can send Kaspar there, hooray!' because that was just weird. At the same time though she probably would since this was the only school she had heard what could be a good thing about. Part of her had wondered about looking around at schools in Bangor and Dundonald, but the fact she couldn't afford a car made it too awkward, and the bus was too time consuming for her to get back to work as well. Josh had really lucked out finding a nice school that was so close to his house. "Hm, I might check that one out. I'm still clueless about schools for Kaspar." It surprised and pleased Ana to find out that Josh had had Rodney when he was around the same age as her, which would mean they were around the same age now. It was quite odd how many things they had in common, but it was also nice that she had a real kindred spirit. "I had Kaspar two months after my sixteenth birthday." Ana wasn't sure why she had been oddly specific about her age, a simple sixteen would have sufficed. "Seems like a lifetime ago," she added, popping the last piece of Jammie Dodger in her mouth.

word count 578
outfits ana & kaspar

[josh philips]

Josh nodded at the fact that they didn’t need Andreu and then found himself stumped as to what he should say about Kaspar being effeminate. How could he respond to that? He licked his lips and then smiled at her slightly, a half smile, an unsure smile. “Yeah, you don’t need a man to survive.” He said, unsure of what to say or whether that was even relevant to what she was saying. He looked over at his perfect little son who was playing happily with Kaspar across the hall.

A smile appeared on Josh’s face when she agreed that watching people at a party was good fun. He rubbed his hand over his hair, “I always hated going to my family’s gatherings. The older generations always asked awkward questions about Rodney’s mum.” Josh stopped himself and tried very hard not to say anything else about Rebecca. He hated speaking about Rebecca to anyone and everyone – he especially hated talking about her with his granny who had always asked when they were getting back together. She couldn’t understand the concept at all. “Guns made of newspaper?” Ana asked and he began to laugh. “You just roll it up and fold it and tell him it’s a gun.” He said with a shrug, he didn’t know how else to explain it.

Josh smiled at the idea that Kaspar might go to the same school as Rodney. He really wanted him to have friends before he went to school because he didn’t want Rodney to be scared on his first day. “It’d be great if they went to school together.” Josh said boldly and then rubbed his hands on his legs. He was scared in case he seemed like he was coming on too strong – he didn’t want to scare her off. He looked over at his grinning son and then looked back at Ana and tried to think of what to say now. “I can’t remember life without Rodney now.” He said with a shrug and then smiled at her and watched as Rodney ran over to the bin and put his empty Capri Sun in it. He loved his little son even more than he knew it was possible but somehow, when Rodney cleaned he loved him even more than that.

381

[ana czarnowska]

"Giiirrrlll, you know it!" Ana laughed and did a finger snap along with a head bobble, and then realised how horrendously embarrasing it was that she had just done a really bad ghetto impression in public. She gave a softer laugh at herself again to try and ease awkward, and then felt the need to explain her sudden and embarrassing outburst. "Sorry. I watched an episode of 'The Maury Show' this morning. It must have rubbed off on me." That show had a tendency to make her do socially unacceptable things. Like wear animal print. Or swear a horrific amount like the slutty teenagers that were trying to find their baby daddies. "Is it easier for you to look after Rodney living with your parents and all? Since his mother isn't about..."

Ana nodded sympathetically with Josh when he gave the reason for his hatred of family gatherings. That was one thing she had loathed. It had been a lot more awkward in her step family considering they had never been fond of the wayward teenager in the first place. A lot of her fathers family hadn't liked her too much either because of her mother, so the fact they would ask awkward questions about her son and insinuate not so pleasant things about Ana herself didn't make for the funnest of family parties. "It's shit when family members do that. My step-mothers family were terrible for it." She didn't add in that fer fathers family did it because people expected the wicked step mother, if she complained about her fathers side she would just be whinier than she probably had been for most of the conversation. "I'll have to try that with Kaspar. It'll give me a week off from standing on toy cars he leaves lying around the house," she laughed as she finished her sentence, even though the experience tended to be more painful than funny, and occasionally made her life flash before her eyes when she went skidding on one of the cars.

Ana grinned merrily back to Josh when he smiled and said 'It'd be great if they went to school together.' It made her feel like less of a creep for thinking it. "That would be awesome. It would clear up a lot of my fears that Kaspar's going to get picked on for being 'the Polish kid.'" Ana made the air quotes with her fingers when she said 'the Polish kid' and then rolled her eyes. She had heard enough from the few Polish friends she had made in Wardenstown to know that her precious son being bullied for being from a different country was a possibility even at that age, and it had terrified her at first. At least with Rodney, Kaspar wouldn't feel so alone. Ana nodded thoughtfully when Josh told her he couldn't remember what life was like without his son. It had never occurred to her to think of that before. She remembered some brief moments of her life in Krasnystaw and some of Warsaw, but it just seemed so alien to not think of Kaspar there too. "It's weird how quickly you adjust after the shock of having a child to care for suddenly. It's weird to think that I never was a mother..."

word count 545
outfits ana & kaspar

[josh philips]

Josh did not even know how to react to her impression of someone who fell out of one of those terrible television shows that Josh had never watched more than the first five minutes of for fear of what it might do to his brain. He laughed slightly and then scratched his nose. She asked about his parents and he smiled slightly, “Yeah it’s great. Instant baby-sitters and all that sort of stuff.” He said with a small shrug, “My mum doesn’t work so she’s always there to take Rodney. It’s ideal.” He loved living with his parents. They were so good to him and so good to Rodney. He could not afford to live as well as he did if he was on his own entirely.

An overwhelming amount of empathy welled in Josh’s chest when Ana admitted that she had a similar experience with her extended family. Sometimes Josh felt so alone in his plight. He knew he wasn’t the only single dad in the world, but there were moments when nothing could convince him that he wasn’t. “It sucks.” He said in a roundabout way that didn’t really do the subject justice but said it all at the same time. He smiled at the mention of toy cars stabbing you in the foot, he had had many of those experiences. “Duplo cars are the worst.” He agreed, touching his peak of his cap and then smiling at her slightly.

Josh nodded sympathetically when she articulated her fears about Kaspar being bullied. He had similar ones about Rodney being teased for his accent. He could hardly comprehend Rodney’s strong Ballymena accent when it felt like it had been so long since they’d left. “They’d have each others’ backs.” Josh agreed, smiling and nodding his head slightly and look over at their sons who were laughing and playing together. She summed up his whole sentiments about teenage parenthood when she replied to him. It was hard to imagine life without your child. Was there really life before Rodney? It was unfathomable. “It’s very strange.” He agreed, nodding his head slightly and looking at his feet as he thought about his son and tried very hard not to think about how empty life would be without him.


377

[ana czarnowska]

"That's the best part of having your parents around," she smiled, jealous that he still had that close relationship with them. She hadn't even visited her own mothers grave in Hungary since the burial, showing how good of a daughter Ana was. She thought it was quite nice that his mother didn't work, although didn't want to say something about how cute she thought it was for fear of sounding like a patronising bitch. "It must be great for Rodney to have such a close relationship with his grandparents." Grandparents were normally the best people to have a friendship with, especially when they were casually racist and thought nothing of it.

"Duplo cars? Ouch, I haven't had that experience yet. My worst was a toy fire engine. I basically skated across the flat on one of them a couple of weeks ago." Both a terrifying and painful experience for the young girl, but a source of much amusement for her son. Probably said something about her inability to keep her home tidy. "It'd be cool if the could, since they already seem to have quite the little friendship forming," Ana noted with a smile, looking over at their sons. This was probably the most productive day he had had at the group social wise since he had began. She watched them play for a couple more minutes as she tried to wonder what a quite home would be like as Kaspar went on through his school career. And would have to get a cat or something so she didn't scare herself. She smiled to herself at the thought of her talking to a cat like a crazy old woman.

Ana slipped her phone out of her pocket and checked the time. She swore softly in Polish and put the phone back in her pocket, then looked up at Josh. "Sorry to have to leave you alone, but Kaspar and I need to go. I need to phone my dad before six in Poland to talk to him or I'll miss him." Ana wasn't sure why she felt the need to add that explanation to the end, maybe it was because she was fond of Josh already and didn't want to come across as rude. She looked over to the boys and called out, "Kaspar! Czas na nas!" Her son glanced up at her, then at Rodney, and pouted at her. He then ignored her and went back to playing. "Now, Kaspar! If you want to talk to dziadek." With the mention of his grandfather, Kaspar stood up straight away. He turned and gave Rodney a hug and then run over to his mother. As Ana put his coat on him and buttoned it up, she glanced around to Josh, "It was lovely to have your company for the afternoon," she smiled, before standing up straight again and lifting her handbag.

word count 477
outfits ana & kaspar

[josh philips]

Josh grinned at her and nodded when she spoke about the advantages of having parents around – it was handy, good for Rodney and also amazing for Josh psychologically. He could take breaks, he could ask for advice, ask ‘is this normal?’ and get legitimate, by the minute answers. “I love that they’re close to Rodney. I never had that as a kid.” He told her and then wondered why. He couldn’t comprehend why he felt compelled to tell this practical stranger what he usually just kept inside and didn’t confide in anyone.

He had to bite his lip to stop himself from chuckling at the mental image produced by the idea of her skating across the room on a fire engine. It sounded incredibly surreal and amazing. “I’m sure Kaspar enjoyed that spectacle.” He mused aloud and then grinned at her, it was his attempt at a cheeky grin – too many teeth, along with too much of his gums being revealed. “They do seem to be hitting it off.” He agreed, “Much like us.” He wanted to add but felt that maybe that would be just a little bit too creepy. He didn’t know how she’d react to that and he felt butterflies in his stomach. He wanted to curse the skies.

As if she’d heard his creepy thoughts, Ana began making excuses to leave – he thought making excuses but knew that he reasoning was probably genuine. “Yeah. Time difference.” He mumbled slightly, and then looked around desperately for Rodney who was being hugged by Kaspar and looking rather bewildered as to where his new friend was going. He followed the other boy and watched, alarmed, as Ana buttoned up Kaspar’s coat. Rodney’s face was mirroring all of Josh’s internalised feelings, panic, alarm, uncertainty. What should he do? “Can Kaspar come for spaghetti?” Rodney asked, remarkably boldly for himself. Josh whipped around and looked at his son for a second. He wanted to kiss him on the mouth. He laughed slightly and said more casually, “I think the boys are keen to get together again.” He attempted to lift Rodney into his arms but the little boy pushed him away and scowled, “Can I get your number so we can arrange something?” He asked as casually as he could manage but he was sure that the hope he was feeling in the pit of his stomach was showing on his face. He was panicked, as well, he hadn’t asked a girl out since he was fourteen years old. And that had been simple. She’d said: “I like you.” And he’d said, “I like you, too.” And that was it! He didn’t know how to ask an adult out!


448

[ana czarnowska]

Ana felt a bit bad for giving Josh the reason of time difference for having to leave. It was like she was giving him some bollocks excuse to get away from him, and if she were a decent type of girl she would put off talking to her father for the night and stay with Josh instead. She had to talk to her dad though, the man was so busy that if she didn't keep their alloted phone call day it could be another weeks wait before she heard from him. She was surprised and felt a typical mumsy sense of happiness when Rodney requested that Kaspar join him for some spaghetti. She laughed softly and looked at Josh, "Seems they are. They don't waste any time, do they?" In her head, Ana automatically went down the route of 'we shouldn't either, get in my bed now' and then felt like a bit of a sleg so shook the idea from her mind.

"Of course!" She replied. Ana opened her handbag and hunted around for a scrap of paper and a pen, she found one and jotted down her mobile number before realising they could have just done the modern thing and put her number into his phone or vice versa. She had already extended her hand out with the piece of paper by the time this thought occurred to her, and so it was too late to change her mind. The Polish girl suddenly felt a wave of shyness as Josh took her number and stood awkwardly for a few seconds, before remembering she had to leave. "So I'll talk to you later then," Ana said with a smile. "Say goodbye, Kaspar," she instructed her son, looking down at him as she took his hand. "Narazie!" The little boy said, giving Josh and Rodney a wave. Ana said her own goodbyes and then headed for the door to go home with her son.

word count 323
outfits ana & kaspar

[josh philips]

follow up thread